I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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