Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
