Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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