Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
