sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
