PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
