Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
