I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
