i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
