So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
