I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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