I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
