So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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