She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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