3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
