If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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