marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
