i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
