Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
