Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
