Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
false alarm, still single
Randomize
