i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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