I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
