the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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