How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
