At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
