Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
