We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
