Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
