my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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