I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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