ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
