My Higher Power is John Stamos
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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