hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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