it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
