I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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