I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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