just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
