I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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