Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
