You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
