I'm so fucking centered right now
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
