I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
