Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
