i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
