I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
