whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
