Can i not drive my cunt home
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
