I wish life had little blips of pornography
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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