My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
