If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
