Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
