Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Boobs are out for the taking
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
